Hello everyone! Welcome to a special review section of mine I like to call "PROS" and "CONS".
In this special series of reviews, I take a look at certain movies and pick out Five Pros and Cons of each film.
In this particular case; we are looking at the entire Star Wars filmography based entirely off the Seven Movie saga.
And appropriately enough....we start it on May the 4th. It's "May the 4th Be With You Day."
Yes it's an almost designated "Star Wars" holiday which you can either perceive as really cool...or an embarrassment of riches.
And speaking of the latter....our first review of PROS and CONS is the first film chronologically in the Star Wars saga: Episode 1 THE PHANTOM MENACE!!
If you can't tell by my "tribute" to this sci-fi "classic"; the film has gone down in history as a categorical disaster of epic proportions. Critics have torn it apart, Star Wars fans tore it apart, and I'm about to tear it apart.
But is it as horrible as people say it is? Well....disappointing yeah sure. Outright terrible....I dunno. Even within something bad there is something good. So let's take a look at our first section of the review. (Everyone's Least Favorite.) The Five PROS of 'The Phantom Menace.' (And possibly the only five good things in this movie.)
THE FIVE PROS
PRO 1: THE LIGHTSABER BATTLE IS COOL! - Well if there is one thing both haters and supporters of this film alike can agree on; it's that the lightsaber battle between Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui Gon Jinn and Darth Maul was and still is it's best scene. It ain't a one-on-one...it's two-on-one as Jedi and Padawan take on the red Satan faced Maul all while the awesome 'Duel of the Fates' plays in the background. I believe Duel of the Fates was written in Sanskrit. And if you study Sanskrit...a majority of the lyrics are actually commenting on the monumental stupidity inherit in this film except for this scene. But this scene alone set the tone for the two coolest elements of not only 'The Phantom Menace' but for the rest of the prequels: the lightsaber duels and the music. All of which are nicely done. (Although we will get stupid ass lightsaber battles but more on this later...) So yeah from the moment Darth Maul shows up to the scene where he inexplicably just stands there like a tool while Obi Wan halves his dumb ass; the lightsaber battle (unlike the majority of this film) does not disappoint.
PRO 2: LIAM NEESON - Yeah yeah yeah....the character of Qui Gon Jinn is boring as shit! (The back story of how Jabba the Hutt obtained his annoying monkey bird thing is probably more interesting than this entire character.) Nevertheless...it's fucking Liam Neeson! Although he just mostly talks through the film, the way Liam delivers his lines does make me believe he is a quiet but secretly manipulative Jedi Master. Someone who (if the need arises) won't hesitate to use a few underhand tactics to help set forth a chain of events that could bring balance to the Force. (Or as the GOOD Star Wars movies showed.....fuck everyone royally in the ass.) A man by the name of Mr. Plinkett went into extensive length on the entirety of 'The Phantom Menace' explaining why this cannot be acceptable to a character like Qui Gon. And while he did bring up some good points; do also keep in mind his alter ego is a serial killer. Regardless even though Qui Gon isn't that interesting; it's Liam Neeson's deliveries and presence that save this character. I mean he just looks cool doing it; even when it appears he doesn't give a shit.
PRO 3: EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOW VERY POINTLESS....THE POD RACE IS STILL KIND OF COOL - Yeah one of the big promoting materials for this movie was 'pod racing' which Lucas based heavily on his love for rod racing back in his youth and the movie Ben Hur. Right away the warning flags should've gone up that having Lucas doing things entirely his way was like letting an orangutan drive a stickshift on a busy intersection. The Pod Race scene is now viewed as pointless and somewhat boring. Mainly because it was during one of the most boring meandering parts of the movie and it involved a convoluted bet that not everyone (especially the kids this movie was aimed at) could follow. But I think we weren't meant to care about it and leave our intelligence at the door; because the actual Pod Race itself is still pretty cool. Yeah it's pointless, but the way it's paced and the use of CGI and sound are really well done. Well...Except for the pod racers themselves. For some reason Lucas thought more Ass-Face Alien designs would please adult Star Wars fans and the kids alike. Well pointless or not; I do appreciate the action during the pod race and do find it amusing. Probably because the last half hour prior to it was a fucking slog.
PRO 4: THE SPECIAL EFFECTS STILL HOLD UP AMAZINGLY WELL - This film was released in 1999. And for one of the only awards you would toss at it; it was for special effects. Although fanboys would later cry out in outrage against Lucas's Machevellian use of CGI in later prequels; the ones he used here were actually nicely done. In fact this is the most colorful of the Star Wars movies. there's a lot of variety in greens, blues, reds and almost any other color I can think of. The CGI doesn't look outdated either. Even for....dare we say it...this Gungans. Yes those race of muppet people were annoying as Hell....but their CGI was more appreciated than their actual characters. As were the underwater creatures, the aforementioned pod race, the space battles and the set designs. Particularly Naboo....Naboo looks very beautiful. (Despite it's stupid ass name.) And Yoda..well although I do miss the Yoda puppet, the CGI version of Yoda here is actually pretty decent. But that decency will disappear fast....wait till next time. ;D But overall yeah; this is a colorful movie to look at and the special effects do still hold up. But do special effects really make your movie? Well who knows, it might've blown people away back then before they knew what they were really watching.
Which reminds me, here is perhaps the biggest Pro of the Five.
PRO 5: THE NOSTALGIA - This movie came out during my early years of High School. So with all the hullaboo going around for 'The Force Awakens'; let me tell you something right now buddy. It was the exact same thing when 'The Phantom Menace' came out. Yeah I know; we know view it as an intergalactic turd pile. But back then it only casually dawned on people little by little how much this movie sucked. But during that day, nobody really cared yet. They were just super happy to see a new Star Wars movie after so long. (Again like 'Force Awakens.' This was prior to internet and internet fame....before the true 'Revenge of the Nerds' would take hold once Youtube was birthed. Although there were voices of decent in its day too; most people I knew actually liked this movie. At least they thought so at the time. And watching this movie does bring me back to my more simpler times. When I was content with limited sites, playing on my archaic video game systems, eating and drinking anything I wanted, and working my first job as a movie usher. They were simpler times then. So as nostalgic as the 'Original Trilogy' can be....it's ironically the "worst" Star Wars movie I hold the most nostalgic value to. The Original Trilogy I can watch and enjoy anytime; it's just too timeless for me to put a time period on it I recall from my past. With 'Phantom Menace' however, it takes me back to the exact days of my youth and I can actually look fondly back on it then and appreciate the movie for it....for as long as any person can.
But Nostalgia is like a Matador's Cape. it only distracts you from the ugly truth for so long. And now we come to the moment everyone wants to hear about: The Five Cons!! Wait a minute...just FIVE cons in this movie? Aren't there more!? Well technically yes; there are WAY more than five cons in this film. But I said Five and I stick to it. So this is going to label off the five BIGGEST cons of the movie. And we start with perhaps the most infamous one of them all.
THE FIVE CONS
CON 1: JAR JAR BINKS - Anyway you look at this cinematic abortion; he became a walking monument to history's biggest movie miscalculations. It's like Mephistopheles appeared before George Lucas one day and offered him an idea for a character that "Star Wars fan young and old" would absolutely love. A clumsy but lovable buffoon that in no way would enrage or offend anybody regardless of their taste, race or tolerance. So George believing this character would be a hit (as much as he believed people still liked the racist Steppenfetchit routines) made him a prominent character in the film and prepared toys, T-Shirts, dolls, Neck Ties (I'm not fucking kidding) in the Gungan's likeness expecting them to sell like hotcakes! And then.....
"OOOH MEESA JAR JAR BINKS!!!""UGH!! ICKY ICKY POO POO!!""WEESA GOING HOOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEE!!!""OH MUEY!! MUEY!! I LOVE YOU!!!!""HOW WOOD!!!"
.....Suffice to say, the people did not embrace the cartoon space rabbit conceived by George and Lucifer. He proved to be irritating, unwelcomed and perhaps even offensive. Offensive in that people started believing that his floppy ears being like dredlocks and his way of speaking was Lucas being discriminatory towards black people. (Specifically Jamaicans.) We don't know if George Lucas intended to be a racist fuck like some people would like to believe. But it's clear he had to come to a sudden realization that he fooled himself more than his audience that this walking cancer was going to be warmly embraced. So much so that he joked that Episode II would be entitled 'Jar Jar's Great Adventure.' (Which never came to me...though Episode II is still a joke in itself.) George must've been dying on the inside when he said that; because I truly think he believed people would love the floppy eared space Jamaican and his antics. Instead Jar Jar serves as a huge warning to people who create characters. If you want to make them funny and likeable; don't make them like this AT ALL. No one I know wants to make another Jar Jar Binks...whose name in itself is used to describe 'The Most Detested Character in ANY Film.'
And yet strangely enough....I don't consider him the worst part of this film. Don't get me wrong, he's still a mistake of epic proportions. But I got another Goobah Fish to fry!
CON 2: DARTH VADER BUILT C-3PO, MIDICHLORINS, CONFUSING SPACE POLITICS AND OTHER RANDOM NONSENSE - Do all the means justify the ends in this movie? Obviously not? Was it necessary that future-black colored Sith robo-lord Anakin Skywalker built C-3PO? I guess George Lucas wanted the droid to be in everything along with R2-D2...who starts of his odyssey confusingly enough of the Queen's ship. Somehow he and 3PO form a bond and go everywhere together because...well they're the lifetime companion bots we know and love. Lucas figured no one would give a shit if either of their placement made a damn lick of sense or not. Looking back at it now; we're not sure why a salve kid like Anakin would build a protocol droid to aid his mom. Especially since he walks around naked in this movie. Yeah a naked C-3PO...just what the fans wanted. (Fuckingidiots....) We don't mind that 3-PO is walking starkers; but his origin just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And neither does the origin of Anakin for that matter. Apparently there's some bullshit prophecy made by the Jedi that a boy conceived by the midichlorins (which are tiny microscopic organisms living in all of us....) will bring balance to the Force in amidst turmoil engulfing the galaxy. And by turmoil I mean boring ass and confusing space politics: where you can legalize invasions, settle trade disputes with Jedis, or have lengthy senatorial hearings while making backroom deals with the Space Asians. (AKA the Trade Federation.) So The Force is really microscopic body fungus and convoluted intergalactic space politics to which Senator Palpatine will use to his advantage will somehow make him Emperor. Uh huh.....Oh and most of this is told through exposition. So if you're boring your audience with detailed crap like this, they're not going to be pleased in the slightest and call bullshit on all this insane garbage you litter throughout your flick.
KISS = Keep It Simple Stupid. Or in this case KILL = Keep It Lively Lucas!!
CON 3: IT'S SO GODDAMN BORING!! - One word will haunt Lucas to the end of his days when people sum up 'The Phantom Menace': BORING!! And sadly they are right. Admittedly the film starts off right...after the political banter of the text crawl that is. (Fanboys will NEVER live that down.) We get some lightsaber fighting, laser shots. But keep in mind all this was brought about because of 'taxation of trade routes.' Like I mentioned earlier, if the audience doesn't give a damn you're going to lose them. And nowhere do we get lost in the mediocrity and snail's pace of this film than the middle act. This is the moment where Qui Gon Jinn finds "The One". And from this point onward it's just Qui Gonn, The Queen, Obi Wan, Anakin, fucking Jar Jar and a whole bunch of other boring characters we don't really care about sitting around on Tattooine. This is of course because Qui Gon is trying to con the flying space Jew Watto into giving him a spare part to the Queen's ship so she can fly to Coruscant to plead her case before the senate in trying to convince the Trade Federation...oh to Hell with this!!! Why is this like reading a goddamned history book!!? People don't come to Star Wars movies to have people sit around and talk or get involved in space senatorial debates. They wanna see lightsaber duels, space battles, robots, maybe the occasional Wookie. Well eventually we do get these things; but not before siting through the time wasted on Tattooine and then attending the boring political banter. Sure the political stuff is a proper backdrop for Senator Palpatine to start gaining power; and if done right can be intriguing. But at this film's pace it's boring, tedious and instantly makes fans question reality around them. Like is the saga they grew up with as children that kept them acting like children well into their thirties suddenly becoming a boring piece of crap? As a result their boredom turns into frustration. Frustration leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. And suffering leads to making a living out of posting your insanity online to which millions of people can view it and either judge you as a lunatic or an undiscovered genius. I'd say the former, but since most people hate this boring movie anyways....majority rules.
CON 4: JAKE LLOYD - Not since reading the Book of Job have I read through such a tragic piece on someone's life painfully affected by this movie more than I'd like to know. So let's set the stage here. You're a young 9-something year old moppet. You've been cast as one of the leads in a big budget blockbuster movie. Once more it's a franchise that kids love. You've been granted an opportunity to become the most popular and beloved kid in the world. You've won the Golden Ticket to stardom...and in Lloyd's case a chance to make people forget you were the little bratling from 'Jingle All the Way.' It looks like you're rising to the top. Only come to find out you have been placed in the hands of a bumbling director who uses reverse coaching to make his actors not act (we'll discuss Hayden later on this) and demands absurd timing from your schedule. So after enduring this grueling task as well as countless interviews and time away from your family and social life: the finished results will more than make up for it right? Sadly no. After Little Lloyd's portrayal of young Anakin Skywalker was so poorly received; every single kid in his life let him know it!! He was constantly teased from that moment forward. From middle school, to high school to even college...People would go up to him and pick on him for his shit performance of Annie. From kids making Darth Vader noises to lightsaber sounds at you....dealing with it on a daily basis might've made getting punched or book dumped seem less Hellish. So much was this adolescent Hell (more than most Star Wars geeks saw in their lifetime) that Jake Lloyd renounced all that was Star Wars and acting. He vanished into a life of quiet desperation, and made the rest of us male Star Wars nerds thank our lucky stars we were never cast as the little pipsqueak in the pod racer that would grow up to be someone 100 million times more bad ass.
Aside from that train wreck of a life; Lloyd's portrayal of Little Annie was indeed terrible. But let's be honest; kids would have given him shit anyway even if he did the part well. So either way it was depressing seeing how the bad acting turned into a bad life for Lloyd. And it reflects perhaps the biggest con of the movie of all.
CON 5: THE HYPE AND THE AFTERMATH - Before internet exploded into the Geek Behemoth it is today; Lucas felt pretty sure that despite the criticisms he received initially when the film was released; people would eventually grow to love it more and it would never come under intense scrutiny again. He grossly underestimated the power of the internet and people with way too much free time on their hands. I'm not sure Lucas foresaw the types of demigods people online became after bashing the Hell out of 'The Phantom Menace'....and the next two prequels. Nor do I think he would foresee how the hype for this movie became his gradual undoing. He's now at a point where no one wants him near the franchise he himself created. And anyone who creates something people love only to have people turn against them for trying out new things with it can't help but feel hurt and betrayed. I don't think Lucas feels entirely betrayed. (Seeing as how he swims in millions of dollars.) But nevertheless; I'm sure he feels like all those past decisions he made culminated into his future failures for fans to truly appreciate what he does with the franchise anymore. And it all started a little after people bitched about "Greedo shooting first." With the backstory of the Original Trilogy well underway; people were excited to see what Lucas had in store. The big day came for it's opening release. People who waited in lines for days, weeks, months maybe even a year to see Episode 1 opening day were anticipating another sci-fi masterpiece to be revealed. So when they finally got into the theater, genuflected before the ushers, and sat their eager asses into the seats they waited with awe-inspired hope to be dazzled. Queue the Twentieth Century Fox Logo, the Lucasfilm Ltd. logo and "A long time ago in a Galaxy Far Far Away"....and then BAM!!! 'STAR WARS EPISODE I THE PHANTOM MENACE' being read to a cheering audience and ecstatic crowd of Star Wars fans awaiting the next greatest thing in their entire lives.
And then.....the movie started.![:B]( "Bucktooth")
And after the film was over, so was the magic. Although most people said they liked it....a lot felt more betrayed and disappointed than enlightened. And not only from movie goers; but also the companies and overseas third world markets who invested human time and lives into making an endless supply of Jar Jar Binks stuffed toys. No Chinese kid who earned 10 cents a day would see the fruits of his labor rewarded when that same Jar Jar Binks doll he made would end up being thrown into the garbage after it sat collecting dust in the bargain bin at the soon to be closed KB Toy Store. No hopeful hire wearing his Pod Racer Anakin neck tie at a job interview would be taken seriously; even if his boss was a die hard Star Wars fan. (Which by all accounts would be far worse.) And no kid would want to hear their action figures spew out the "Oh so memorable" dialogue of their Phantom Menace action figures when they heard their Palpatine figure cry "The senate is not what it once was...." Certainly not as much as some kid with a Phantom Menace backpakc about to get his ass rightfully pummeled for parading that monstrosity around.
So when the hype was done with; the disillusioned people felt like they wasted their time and money on nothing. Sadly this would set the tone for the future prequels, which we will indeed get to. But now it's time for the final verdict on this 'Screen Adaptation of Dashed Hopes.'
OVERALL GRADE: C
Its let a lot of fans down, it's a boring plodding mess of space politics and pointless meandering scenes, and the stiff acting and Jar Jar antics didn't help it much either.
But there are some good things like the lightsaber duel and the gorgeous visuals. Still what we learned from this movie is that spectacle isn't everything. Character and stimulating dialogue are worth more their weight in gold.
And while I don't hate it as much as fanboys do (you know, the ones wasting their lives in anticipation for it) I can easily see why people thought of it as an overhyped and meandering piece of crap.
Still it does have a few qualities I give it credit for saving it from being graded lower on my scale. And I think George Lucas wanted to tell a more deep and involving Star Wars movie.
Well he failed. And this movie should serve as a prime example of how NOT to tell a story. Rather, how it should be told visually and not through pointless dialogue.
And Jar Jar Binks stands as a testament how not to do a character to a point some fans will come out with nutso fan theories about him that some people might want to make reality.
You hear that George? It's movies like this that gave power to these idiots!!! Thanks a whole lot you bearded ass!!!!
Soon to come: My review of Episode II: Attack of the Clones......or "are you even trying Lucas?"
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In this special series of reviews, I take a look at certain movies and pick out Five Pros and Cons of each film.
In this particular case; we are looking at the entire Star Wars filmography based entirely off the Seven Movie saga.
And appropriately enough....we start it on May the 4th. It's "May the 4th Be With You Day."
Yes it's an almost designated "Star Wars" holiday which you can either perceive as really cool...or an embarrassment of riches.
And speaking of the latter....our first review of PROS and CONS is the first film chronologically in the Star Wars saga: Episode 1 THE PHANTOM MENACE!!
If you can't tell by my "tribute" to this sci-fi "classic"; the film has gone down in history as a categorical disaster of epic proportions. Critics have torn it apart, Star Wars fans tore it apart, and I'm about to tear it apart.
But is it as horrible as people say it is? Well....disappointing yeah sure. Outright terrible....I dunno. Even within something bad there is something good. So let's take a look at our first section of the review. (Everyone's Least Favorite.) The Five PROS of 'The Phantom Menace.' (And possibly the only five good things in this movie.)
THE FIVE PROS
PRO 1: THE LIGHTSABER BATTLE IS COOL! - Well if there is one thing both haters and supporters of this film alike can agree on; it's that the lightsaber battle between Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui Gon Jinn and Darth Maul was and still is it's best scene. It ain't a one-on-one...it's two-on-one as Jedi and Padawan take on the red Satan faced Maul all while the awesome 'Duel of the Fates' plays in the background. I believe Duel of the Fates was written in Sanskrit. And if you study Sanskrit...a majority of the lyrics are actually commenting on the monumental stupidity inherit in this film except for this scene. But this scene alone set the tone for the two coolest elements of not only 'The Phantom Menace' but for the rest of the prequels: the lightsaber duels and the music. All of which are nicely done. (Although we will get stupid ass lightsaber battles but more on this later...) So yeah from the moment Darth Maul shows up to the scene where he inexplicably just stands there like a tool while Obi Wan halves his dumb ass; the lightsaber battle (unlike the majority of this film) does not disappoint.
PRO 2: LIAM NEESON - Yeah yeah yeah....the character of Qui Gon Jinn is boring as shit! (The back story of how Jabba the Hutt obtained his annoying monkey bird thing is probably more interesting than this entire character.) Nevertheless...it's fucking Liam Neeson! Although he just mostly talks through the film, the way Liam delivers his lines does make me believe he is a quiet but secretly manipulative Jedi Master. Someone who (if the need arises) won't hesitate to use a few underhand tactics to help set forth a chain of events that could bring balance to the Force. (Or as the GOOD Star Wars movies showed.....fuck everyone royally in the ass.) A man by the name of Mr. Plinkett went into extensive length on the entirety of 'The Phantom Menace' explaining why this cannot be acceptable to a character like Qui Gon. And while he did bring up some good points; do also keep in mind his alter ego is a serial killer. Regardless even though Qui Gon isn't that interesting; it's Liam Neeson's deliveries and presence that save this character. I mean he just looks cool doing it; even when it appears he doesn't give a shit.
PRO 3: EVEN THOUGH IT'S NOW VERY POINTLESS....THE POD RACE IS STILL KIND OF COOL - Yeah one of the big promoting materials for this movie was 'pod racing' which Lucas based heavily on his love for rod racing back in his youth and the movie Ben Hur. Right away the warning flags should've gone up that having Lucas doing things entirely his way was like letting an orangutan drive a stickshift on a busy intersection. The Pod Race scene is now viewed as pointless and somewhat boring. Mainly because it was during one of the most boring meandering parts of the movie and it involved a convoluted bet that not everyone (especially the kids this movie was aimed at) could follow. But I think we weren't meant to care about it and leave our intelligence at the door; because the actual Pod Race itself is still pretty cool. Yeah it's pointless, but the way it's paced and the use of CGI and sound are really well done. Well...Except for the pod racers themselves. For some reason Lucas thought more Ass-Face Alien designs would please adult Star Wars fans and the kids alike. Well pointless or not; I do appreciate the action during the pod race and do find it amusing. Probably because the last half hour prior to it was a fucking slog.
PRO 4: THE SPECIAL EFFECTS STILL HOLD UP AMAZINGLY WELL - This film was released in 1999. And for one of the only awards you would toss at it; it was for special effects. Although fanboys would later cry out in outrage against Lucas's Machevellian use of CGI in later prequels; the ones he used here were actually nicely done. In fact this is the most colorful of the Star Wars movies. there's a lot of variety in greens, blues, reds and almost any other color I can think of. The CGI doesn't look outdated either. Even for....dare we say it...this Gungans. Yes those race of muppet people were annoying as Hell....but their CGI was more appreciated than their actual characters. As were the underwater creatures, the aforementioned pod race, the space battles and the set designs. Particularly Naboo....Naboo looks very beautiful. (Despite it's stupid ass name.) And Yoda..well although I do miss the Yoda puppet, the CGI version of Yoda here is actually pretty decent. But that decency will disappear fast....wait till next time. ;D But overall yeah; this is a colorful movie to look at and the special effects do still hold up. But do special effects really make your movie? Well who knows, it might've blown people away back then before they knew what they were really watching.
Which reminds me, here is perhaps the biggest Pro of the Five.
PRO 5: THE NOSTALGIA - This movie came out during my early years of High School. So with all the hullaboo going around for 'The Force Awakens'; let me tell you something right now buddy. It was the exact same thing when 'The Phantom Menace' came out. Yeah I know; we know view it as an intergalactic turd pile. But back then it only casually dawned on people little by little how much this movie sucked. But during that day, nobody really cared yet. They were just super happy to see a new Star Wars movie after so long. (Again like 'Force Awakens.' This was prior to internet and internet fame....before the true 'Revenge of the Nerds' would take hold once Youtube was birthed. Although there were voices of decent in its day too; most people I knew actually liked this movie. At least they thought so at the time. And watching this movie does bring me back to my more simpler times. When I was content with limited sites, playing on my archaic video game systems, eating and drinking anything I wanted, and working my first job as a movie usher. They were simpler times then. So as nostalgic as the 'Original Trilogy' can be....it's ironically the "worst" Star Wars movie I hold the most nostalgic value to. The Original Trilogy I can watch and enjoy anytime; it's just too timeless for me to put a time period on it I recall from my past. With 'Phantom Menace' however, it takes me back to the exact days of my youth and I can actually look fondly back on it then and appreciate the movie for it....for as long as any person can.
But Nostalgia is like a Matador's Cape. it only distracts you from the ugly truth for so long. And now we come to the moment everyone wants to hear about: The Five Cons!! Wait a minute...just FIVE cons in this movie? Aren't there more!? Well technically yes; there are WAY more than five cons in this film. But I said Five and I stick to it. So this is going to label off the five BIGGEST cons of the movie. And we start with perhaps the most infamous one of them all.
THE FIVE CONS
CON 1: JAR JAR BINKS - Anyway you look at this cinematic abortion; he became a walking monument to history's biggest movie miscalculations. It's like Mephistopheles appeared before George Lucas one day and offered him an idea for a character that "Star Wars fan young and old" would absolutely love. A clumsy but lovable buffoon that in no way would enrage or offend anybody regardless of their taste, race or tolerance. So George believing this character would be a hit (as much as he believed people still liked the racist Steppenfetchit routines) made him a prominent character in the film and prepared toys, T-Shirts, dolls, Neck Ties (I'm not fucking kidding) in the Gungan's likeness expecting them to sell like hotcakes! And then.....
"OOOH MEESA JAR JAR BINKS!!!""UGH!! ICKY ICKY POO POO!!""WEESA GOING HOOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEE!!!""OH MUEY!! MUEY!! I LOVE YOU!!!!""HOW WOOD!!!"
.....Suffice to say, the people did not embrace the cartoon space rabbit conceived by George and Lucifer. He proved to be irritating, unwelcomed and perhaps even offensive. Offensive in that people started believing that his floppy ears being like dredlocks and his way of speaking was Lucas being discriminatory towards black people. (Specifically Jamaicans.) We don't know if George Lucas intended to be a racist fuck like some people would like to believe. But it's clear he had to come to a sudden realization that he fooled himself more than his audience that this walking cancer was going to be warmly embraced. So much so that he joked that Episode II would be entitled 'Jar Jar's Great Adventure.' (Which never came to me...though Episode II is still a joke in itself.) George must've been dying on the inside when he said that; because I truly think he believed people would love the floppy eared space Jamaican and his antics. Instead Jar Jar serves as a huge warning to people who create characters. If you want to make them funny and likeable; don't make them like this AT ALL. No one I know wants to make another Jar Jar Binks...whose name in itself is used to describe 'The Most Detested Character in ANY Film.'
And yet strangely enough....I don't consider him the worst part of this film. Don't get me wrong, he's still a mistake of epic proportions. But I got another Goobah Fish to fry!
CON 2: DARTH VADER BUILT C-3PO, MIDICHLORINS, CONFUSING SPACE POLITICS AND OTHER RANDOM NONSENSE - Do all the means justify the ends in this movie? Obviously not? Was it necessary that future-black colored Sith robo-lord Anakin Skywalker built C-3PO? I guess George Lucas wanted the droid to be in everything along with R2-D2...who starts of his odyssey confusingly enough of the Queen's ship. Somehow he and 3PO form a bond and go everywhere together because...well they're the lifetime companion bots we know and love. Lucas figured no one would give a shit if either of their placement made a damn lick of sense or not. Looking back at it now; we're not sure why a salve kid like Anakin would build a protocol droid to aid his mom. Especially since he walks around naked in this movie. Yeah a naked C-3PO...just what the fans wanted. (Fuckingidiots....) We don't mind that 3-PO is walking starkers; but his origin just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And neither does the origin of Anakin for that matter. Apparently there's some bullshit prophecy made by the Jedi that a boy conceived by the midichlorins (which are tiny microscopic organisms living in all of us....) will bring balance to the Force in amidst turmoil engulfing the galaxy. And by turmoil I mean boring ass and confusing space politics: where you can legalize invasions, settle trade disputes with Jedis, or have lengthy senatorial hearings while making backroom deals with the Space Asians. (AKA the Trade Federation.) So The Force is really microscopic body fungus and convoluted intergalactic space politics to which Senator Palpatine will use to his advantage will somehow make him Emperor. Uh huh.....Oh and most of this is told through exposition. So if you're boring your audience with detailed crap like this, they're not going to be pleased in the slightest and call bullshit on all this insane garbage you litter throughout your flick.
KISS = Keep It Simple Stupid. Or in this case KILL = Keep It Lively Lucas!!
CON 3: IT'S SO GODDAMN BORING!! - One word will haunt Lucas to the end of his days when people sum up 'The Phantom Menace': BORING!! And sadly they are right. Admittedly the film starts off right...after the political banter of the text crawl that is. (Fanboys will NEVER live that down.) We get some lightsaber fighting, laser shots. But keep in mind all this was brought about because of 'taxation of trade routes.' Like I mentioned earlier, if the audience doesn't give a damn you're going to lose them. And nowhere do we get lost in the mediocrity and snail's pace of this film than the middle act. This is the moment where Qui Gon Jinn finds "The One". And from this point onward it's just Qui Gonn, The Queen, Obi Wan, Anakin, fucking Jar Jar and a whole bunch of other boring characters we don't really care about sitting around on Tattooine. This is of course because Qui Gon is trying to con the flying space Jew Watto into giving him a spare part to the Queen's ship so she can fly to Coruscant to plead her case before the senate in trying to convince the Trade Federation...oh to Hell with this!!! Why is this like reading a goddamned history book!!? People don't come to Star Wars movies to have people sit around and talk or get involved in space senatorial debates. They wanna see lightsaber duels, space battles, robots, maybe the occasional Wookie. Well eventually we do get these things; but not before siting through the time wasted on Tattooine and then attending the boring political banter. Sure the political stuff is a proper backdrop for Senator Palpatine to start gaining power; and if done right can be intriguing. But at this film's pace it's boring, tedious and instantly makes fans question reality around them. Like is the saga they grew up with as children that kept them acting like children well into their thirties suddenly becoming a boring piece of crap? As a result their boredom turns into frustration. Frustration leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. And suffering leads to making a living out of posting your insanity online to which millions of people can view it and either judge you as a lunatic or an undiscovered genius. I'd say the former, but since most people hate this boring movie anyways....majority rules.
CON 4: JAKE LLOYD - Not since reading the Book of Job have I read through such a tragic piece on someone's life painfully affected by this movie more than I'd like to know. So let's set the stage here. You're a young 9-something year old moppet. You've been cast as one of the leads in a big budget blockbuster movie. Once more it's a franchise that kids love. You've been granted an opportunity to become the most popular and beloved kid in the world. You've won the Golden Ticket to stardom...and in Lloyd's case a chance to make people forget you were the little bratling from 'Jingle All the Way.' It looks like you're rising to the top. Only come to find out you have been placed in the hands of a bumbling director who uses reverse coaching to make his actors not act (we'll discuss Hayden later on this) and demands absurd timing from your schedule. So after enduring this grueling task as well as countless interviews and time away from your family and social life: the finished results will more than make up for it right? Sadly no. After Little Lloyd's portrayal of young Anakin Skywalker was so poorly received; every single kid in his life let him know it!! He was constantly teased from that moment forward. From middle school, to high school to even college...People would go up to him and pick on him for his shit performance of Annie. From kids making Darth Vader noises to lightsaber sounds at you....dealing with it on a daily basis might've made getting punched or book dumped seem less Hellish. So much was this adolescent Hell (more than most Star Wars geeks saw in their lifetime) that Jake Lloyd renounced all that was Star Wars and acting. He vanished into a life of quiet desperation, and made the rest of us male Star Wars nerds thank our lucky stars we were never cast as the little pipsqueak in the pod racer that would grow up to be someone 100 million times more bad ass.
Aside from that train wreck of a life; Lloyd's portrayal of Little Annie was indeed terrible. But let's be honest; kids would have given him shit anyway even if he did the part well. So either way it was depressing seeing how the bad acting turned into a bad life for Lloyd. And it reflects perhaps the biggest con of the movie of all.
CON 5: THE HYPE AND THE AFTERMATH - Before internet exploded into the Geek Behemoth it is today; Lucas felt pretty sure that despite the criticisms he received initially when the film was released; people would eventually grow to love it more and it would never come under intense scrutiny again. He grossly underestimated the power of the internet and people with way too much free time on their hands. I'm not sure Lucas foresaw the types of demigods people online became after bashing the Hell out of 'The Phantom Menace'....and the next two prequels. Nor do I think he would foresee how the hype for this movie became his gradual undoing. He's now at a point where no one wants him near the franchise he himself created. And anyone who creates something people love only to have people turn against them for trying out new things with it can't help but feel hurt and betrayed. I don't think Lucas feels entirely betrayed. (Seeing as how he swims in millions of dollars.) But nevertheless; I'm sure he feels like all those past decisions he made culminated into his future failures for fans to truly appreciate what he does with the franchise anymore. And it all started a little after people bitched about "Greedo shooting first." With the backstory of the Original Trilogy well underway; people were excited to see what Lucas had in store. The big day came for it's opening release. People who waited in lines for days, weeks, months maybe even a year to see Episode 1 opening day were anticipating another sci-fi masterpiece to be revealed. So when they finally got into the theater, genuflected before the ushers, and sat their eager asses into the seats they waited with awe-inspired hope to be dazzled. Queue the Twentieth Century Fox Logo, the Lucasfilm Ltd. logo and "A long time ago in a Galaxy Far Far Away"....and then BAM!!! 'STAR WARS EPISODE I THE PHANTOM MENACE' being read to a cheering audience and ecstatic crowd of Star Wars fans awaiting the next greatest thing in their entire lives.
And then.....the movie started.
And after the film was over, so was the magic. Although most people said they liked it....a lot felt more betrayed and disappointed than enlightened. And not only from movie goers; but also the companies and overseas third world markets who invested human time and lives into making an endless supply of Jar Jar Binks stuffed toys. No Chinese kid who earned 10 cents a day would see the fruits of his labor rewarded when that same Jar Jar Binks doll he made would end up being thrown into the garbage after it sat collecting dust in the bargain bin at the soon to be closed KB Toy Store. No hopeful hire wearing his Pod Racer Anakin neck tie at a job interview would be taken seriously; even if his boss was a die hard Star Wars fan. (Which by all accounts would be far worse.) And no kid would want to hear their action figures spew out the "Oh so memorable" dialogue of their Phantom Menace action figures when they heard their Palpatine figure cry "The senate is not what it once was...." Certainly not as much as some kid with a Phantom Menace backpakc about to get his ass rightfully pummeled for parading that monstrosity around.
So when the hype was done with; the disillusioned people felt like they wasted their time and money on nothing. Sadly this would set the tone for the future prequels, which we will indeed get to. But now it's time for the final verdict on this 'Screen Adaptation of Dashed Hopes.'
OVERALL GRADE: C
Its let a lot of fans down, it's a boring plodding mess of space politics and pointless meandering scenes, and the stiff acting and Jar Jar antics didn't help it much either.
But there are some good things like the lightsaber duel and the gorgeous visuals. Still what we learned from this movie is that spectacle isn't everything. Character and stimulating dialogue are worth more their weight in gold.
And while I don't hate it as much as fanboys do (you know, the ones wasting their lives in anticipation for it) I can easily see why people thought of it as an overhyped and meandering piece of crap.
Still it does have a few qualities I give it credit for saving it from being graded lower on my scale. And I think George Lucas wanted to tell a more deep and involving Star Wars movie.
Well he failed. And this movie should serve as a prime example of how NOT to tell a story. Rather, how it should be told visually and not through pointless dialogue.
And Jar Jar Binks stands as a testament how not to do a character to a point some fans will come out with nutso fan theories about him that some people might want to make reality.
You hear that George? It's movies like this that gave power to these idiots!!! Thanks a whole lot you bearded ass!!!!
Soon to come: My review of Episode II: Attack of the Clones......or "are you even trying Lucas?"
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